Pests.

The other night we had a pest adventure, which are the ONLY adventures I don't dig. Actually it started early one Sunday morning....

T: "There's a gecko _______ this big (he used his hands to show me) under the dishwasher!"

Me: "Well why are you standing there (I was screeching)? Get him!"

T: "He ran under the dishwasher."

I went and gathered my tools. An enormous, hurricane worthy flash light with a bulb the size of my head, lysol spray, and the vacuum.

Me: "Here, we'll shine this under there to make him think it's warm and he'll come out, and when he does, we'll spray him with lysol and suck him up in the vacuum."

As you may have guessed, this was not my first rodeo.

Picture Patton "helping" and there's the story of Sunday.

Now we jump to Tuesday night. Todd and I were getting ready for bed when satan's henchman...a palmetto bug the size of a pony crawled out of the bathroom. Todd gave no warning and smashed him with his shoe as I sat frozen in fear and horrified on our bed.

15 minutes passed.

Me: "Can I get down?"

T: "Yes. He's dead."

Me: "How do you know he didn't leave guts and eggs everywhere?"

T: "Oh, he did."

Me: "YOU'RE NOT HELPING."

To which I picked the phone up (it's 10:30 pm at this point) and called Pest Control. I got the machine, so here's what I said:

"Yes, this is Sarah Sullivan and I live at _______. We just had a roach the size of a shoe crawl across the floor and there's a salamander living under the dishwasher. What gives? I need someone to come out here ASAP or I just might die. Thank you. "

T: "It's 10:30 at night."

Me: "Um, you're lucky I didn't call 911. Had you not been here I'd have shot him."

And you know I would....